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Jokes
Feb 9, 2006 17:40:56 GMT
Post by davelklatzen on Feb 9, 2006 17:40:56 GMT
A guy runs into a bar and says, "Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch!"
So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down one after the other.
"Man," the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink shots that fast!" "You'd drink them that fast too if you have what I have," the guy says.
"Oh my God," says the bartender, "what do you have?"
"50 pence."
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Jokes
Feb 9, 2006 17:47:59 GMT
Post by davelklatzen on Feb 9, 2006 17:47:59 GMT
i have to try this
A guy was smoking a cigarette.
Another guy comes up to him and asks, "Do you have an extra cigarette?"
The first guy looks at the box and reads that it contains20 cigarettes.
He counts all the cigarettes in his box and says,"Nope, don't got any extra cigarettes".
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Jokes
Feb 9, 2006 17:50:31 GMT
Post by davelklatzen on Feb 9, 2006 17:50:31 GMT
A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?"
A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
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Jokes
Feb 9, 2006 17:54:44 GMT
Post by davelklatzen on Feb 9, 2006 17:54:44 GMT
Beer Translations
1. "You get this round and the next round is on me." I''ll be leaving before the next round.
2. "I''ll get this round and the next one is on you." Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they''ll be $3.50.
3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female) I''m easy.
5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male) I''m gay.
6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I''ll do to you on the ride home?
8. "I don''t feel well, let''s go home." (female) You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
9. I don''t feel well, let''s go home." (male) I''m horny.
10. "Who''s got the next round?" I haven''t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.
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Jokes
Feb 9, 2006 17:58:52 GMT
Post by davelklatzen on Feb 9, 2006 17:58:52 GMT
A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot annouces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing. The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed. So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Here you go, you crazy bitch, iron this."
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Jokes
Mar 8, 2006 15:34:57 GMT
Post by davelklatzen on Mar 8, 2006 15:34:57 GMT
Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.
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Jokes
Mar 8, 2006 15:37:44 GMT
Post by davelklatzen on Mar 8, 2006 15:37:44 GMT
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......
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Jokes
Mar 12, 2006 23:29:05 GMT
Post by michelle on Mar 12, 2006 23:29:05 GMT
Jose Mourinho goes to the doctors and complains "when ever I look in the mirror I become sexually aroused" "im not surprised" says the doctors "you look like a cunt" ;D I nicked it off matt's board
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Jokes
Mar 13, 2006 13:40:25 GMT
Post by KANEDIT on Mar 13, 2006 13:40:25 GMT
;D ;D ;D Thats a good one Michelle
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Jokes
Mar 21, 2006 10:14:22 GMT
Post by davelklatzen on Mar 21, 2006 10:14:22 GMT
one pat on the back for michelle. thats funny as fook
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