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Jokes
Feb 2, 2006 14:39:53 GMT
Post by davelklatzen on Feb 2, 2006 14:39:53 GMT
One time, back in the day, a boy named Johnny was walking to school with his girlfriend. He was trying to impress her, so he said, "I bet you I can push my father's outhouse into the river." She didn't agree with him, so he proved her wrong. Impressed, she walked the rest of the way to school hand in hand with Johnny. That day at school, they studied the story about George Washington and the cherry tree. The moral that they learned was "never tell a lie."
After school, Johnny went home. When he walked in the door, his dad met him. He said, "Son, did you push my outhouse into the river?"
Johnny said, "Dad, I want to be like George Washington and never lie, yes, I did."
And his dad beat him from one end of the house to the other. You could have read the newspaper off of Johnny's rear end.
After Johnny was finished sobbing, he asked, "Dad, why did you whoop me? I didn't lie. George Washington cut down the cherry tree and didn't lie about it, and he didn't get a whooping."
Johnny's dad looked at him and said, "Son, I bet George Washington's dad wasn't sitting in that cherry tree when he cut it down, was he?"
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Jokes
Feb 2, 2006 14:43:17 GMT
Post by davelklatzen on Feb 2, 2006 14:43:17 GMT
Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before Joe's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?"
The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home!"
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Jokes
Feb 2, 2006 14:46:24 GMT
Post by davelklatzen on Feb 2, 2006 14:46:24 GMT
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird. "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!" So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. "Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
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Jokes
Feb 2, 2006 16:29:23 GMT
Post by KANEDIT on Feb 2, 2006 16:29:23 GMT
One time, back in the day, a boy named Johnny was walking to school with his girlfriend. He was trying to impress her, so he said, "I bet you I can push my father's outhouse into the river." She didn't agree with him, so he proved her wrong. Impressed, she walked the rest of the way to school hand in hand with Johnny. That day at school, they studied the story about George Washington and the cherry tree. The moral that they learned was "never tell a lie." After school, Johnny went home. When he walked in the door, his dad met him. He said, "Son, did you push my outhouse into the river?" Johnny said, "Dad, I want to be like George Washington and never lie, yes, I did." And his dad beat him from one end of the house to the other. You could have read the newspaper off of Johnny's rear end. After Johnny was finished sobbing, he asked, "Dad, why did you whoop me? I didn't lie. George Washington cut down the cherry tree and didn't lie about it, and he didn't get a whooping." Johnny's dad looked at him and said, "Son, I bet George Washington's dad wasn't sitting in that cherry tree when he cut it down, was he?" hahahahaha...weren't expecting that......i'd love to do something like that to my dad...just to see the look on his face. But i'd be gone as soon as i pushed it for he would kick my ass from one side o earth to other.
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Jokes
Feb 9, 2006 17:17:22 GMT
Post by davelklatzen on Feb 9, 2006 17:17:22 GMT
A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.
A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie."
St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "this is heaven and, up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."
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Jokes
Feb 9, 2006 17:27:44 GMT
Post by davelklatzen on Feb 9, 2006 17:27:44 GMT
After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the F B I. No one could solve it so it went to the C I A, then to NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. MI-6 cabled the White House:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
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Jokes
Feb 9, 2006 17:28:45 GMT
Post by davelklatzen on Feb 9, 2006 17:28:45 GMT
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''
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Jokes
Feb 9, 2006 17:33:05 GMT
Post by davelklatzen on Feb 9, 2006 17:33:05 GMT
This guy goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor shows him an inkblot and asks him what it looks like.
"A naked woman." He shows him another inkblot and asks him the same question.
"A naked woman on a bed."
"You're a sick pervert!" the psychiatrist exclaims.
"I'm not the pervert. You keep showing me all these filthy pictures!"
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Jokes
Feb 9, 2006 17:34:54 GMT
Post by davelklatzen on Feb 9, 2006 17:34:54 GMT
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
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Jokes
Feb 9, 2006 17:38:57 GMT
Post by davelklatzen on Feb 9, 2006 17:38:57 GMT
A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''
"No," the farmer said.
The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''
"No."
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''
The farmer shot Chuck.
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